I was in one of those big box stores on Saturday. As I rounded the corner with my cart, a woman was conferring with her two school-age children. Her cart was behind them, blocking the entire aisle. When I got close enough, I said a polite excuse me. As the three of them hugged the shelves a little closer to let me pass, the woman berated me for waiting so long to say excuse me – ‘you could have said something sooner – you didn’t need to come upon us like that.’
What’s your initial reaction? Your knee-jerk reaction?
Mine was WOW. And then I was kind of stunned that anyone would have that reaction. I was easily eight feet away, there was no risk I was going to mow anyone down or clip any ankles. And she was, after all, blocking the entire aisle.
I was very tempted to turn around and say something, but I’m not a fan of confrontation and it’s really not my place to teach her or her kids manners. I think that was my over-riding thought: her kids were going to grow up thinking that’s how you live your life.
I talk a lot about stories in this space. At this point, anything I could say about the woman’s motivation would be a story, because we just don’t know. Maybe she was having a very bad day. Maybe she truly didn’t see/hear/feel me coming and was startled and she gets rude when she gets startled. Maybe she felt it was her place to teach ME some manners – as she perceived them. We just don’t know.
It would be really easy to just think “jerk” and keep going. That’s not my MO.
I think we tend to think “jerk” when someone crosses our path in the “wrong way.” The “wrong way” is a way other then the way we would do it. Then judgments fly in both directions: in this case it would be quite easy for both of us to think the other rude.
That knee-jerk reaction is one result of living on auto-pilot. Already thinking about the next thing. Maybe “jerk” just rolls off your tongue because that’s your normal reaction when you perceive you’ve been slighted and muscle memory kicks in and without even thinking, “jerk” rolls off your tongue (or just at least bounces around in your head).
The antidote? Living in the present. Choosing to not let muscle memory kick in and “jerk” roll off your tongue. Instead, have at the ready a thought like “I hope your day gets better” or something equally as beneficial for the person who just maligned you. Even if you don’t say it out loud, just thinking it, will shift you in amazingly good ways. And you’ll feel better. Promise.
When you live in the present, it’s easy to choose your reaction because you’re aware and in that split second, you get to choose your words. It’s like when you’re at a stop light and the light turns green. The impatient driver in the car behind you beeps. Do you give him the finger or wave that you got the message and you see the green light (and of course, step on the gas)?
Your knee-jerk reaction. Muscle memory. You cultivate it over time. It’s when you’re aware of what it is, that you have the power to change it. How do you want to be in this world? What kind of example do you want to set for those in your presence? What kind of ripple do you want to create with the words and actions you use?
What’s your knee-jerk reaction to this post? Does it resonate? Does it inspire you to be more aware? To stay present? I’d love to know below!
Amy Hopkins says
That Mother had a lot of pent up frustration!” Saying something would have only been inflammatory. Silence was the best and safest response. I too dislike confrontation.
One time I was bold enough to respond to a very abusive woman and said “you could be kind”. She softened right before my eyes. It could have gone very far south, but luckily worked.
Mair Hill says
I love that you were bold enough to speak up and I love it even more that you stayed in the moment long enough to see the woman soften before your eyes! (It would have been just as easy to say something and walk away – but you stayed.) And I’m sure the woman is better today because of your kindness.
Mindy says
When people act like that I always think there is more going on than we see. Maybe she was having a bad day but it certainly was a bad example for her to set for her children. And if you do react with that jerk reaction, I think it affects you in such a negative way. So good choice Mair. Such great advice!
Mair Hill says
The term knee-jerk is often viewed as negative, but it can also be positive, but for most of us it takes practice. That practice has to begin with the awareness of what your knee-jerk reaction is and then you can slowly change it. I think your reactions speak volumes on the kind of day YOU’RE having, too.
Sally says
Oh, Mair ~ thank you for sharing this experience, your natural reactions, and laying out what seemed obvious options that ran straight through you in that awkward moment. It is especially wonderful that you highlight a beautifully pervasive need to consciously think positively rather than negatively. Being reminded that everyone has struggles – seen and unseen – allows our memory of kindness to stay afloat. Thanks for praying about that woman and her family and for reminding me that is what I am hoping to do when either I am that person, OR when that person blocks my way. Today, my knee-jerk reaction is to Thank You and to add this goodness right to my own heart. Also, I will practice some kindness today in situations that are baffling to me. Loving ourselves is a Good Plan, right?!
ps: hugs to You
Mair Hill says
Interesting that you say “thanks for praying about that woman” because I never mentioned that in my post, but I did, indeed, pray FOR her and her children. I’ve thought of her many times since Saturday, always hoping that her life is a little smoother. And yes, it all starts with loving ourselves – because if we can’t do that it’s hard to really do it for anyone else. Unconditionally. Warts and all! It’s a Good Plan! Thanks, Sally!
Sherri Selman says
Mair your content is always thought provoking. I think this pandemic has people on edge more than they would be normally. Someone loudly told me I was going down the aisle the wrong way in the supermarket several days ago and I had to count to 5(a technique Delta Airlines taught us before we responded to a rude passenger). This probably saved my job many times!!
I always found working as a flight attendant that responding with a smile on your face and empathy goes a long way, even when you do have to say something they may not want to hear.
Mair Hill says
Thanks so much Sherri for showing up every week. I love that you’re here! It’s funny that Delta counseled you to count to five and when my boys were growing up, in terms of discipline, we were told to count to three… I wonder why rude people get a longer count then surly children?
Sheila Wallace says
I have had that happen and I’ve just said, “that I wasn’t in a rush to get by and no worries.” The women could have felt embarrassed. Also, as you mentioned, the lady could have been having a bad day. I try to remember that people who are hurt, hurt people.
Mair Hill says
That is SO TRUE – people who are hurting hurt people. I learned that lesson the hard way, but I learned it well and I’ve never forgotten.
Tracy McKeithen says
I try to live in the present and quite naturally, my reaction is to say, oh well and keep going. I know that some people have issues that bother them. I don’t spend time trying to figure out what’s wrong but I model how to ignore negative behavior. 🙂
Mair Hill says
Thank you for being that model. May your example ripple far out into the world!