Make me feel important.
The first time I heard those words, I was in a conference hall with several thousand people. The speaker on the stage, (who happens to be the founder of the company I’ve worked with for almost eighteen years), was encouraging us to pretend that everyone we meet has that tattooed on their forehead.
In other words, take an interest. Be present. Engage.
Consider it another SuperPower to add to your tool belt. Like last week’s SuperPower, this one is simple. Not necessarily easy, but simple. Unlike last week’s SuperPower, it’s a bit more nuanced and requires more effort on your part.
Making someone else feel important means you are other-focused, instead of making it all about you. It means being an attentive listener and asking follow-up questions.
Next time you’re having a one-on-one conversation with one of your contemporaries, whether that’s your boss, your friend, or even your Mom, notice the dynamics. It’s so easy for your friend to be talking about the beautiful flowers in her garden and instead of asking her more about her flowers, you take over. Next thing you know, you’re telling her all about that spring you were in Amsterdam when all the tulips were in bloom and about the hotel you stayed in and all the great meals you ate.
Obviously, the reverse could be true, too. You could have been the one talking about your flower garden and your friend hijacked the conversation.
In either case, when you walk away, you may not, necessarily, feel bad, but you may walk away not looking forward to the next conversation either.
What if, instead, you listened. What if you gave your friend (your boss, your Mom) your undivided attention. What if you used their name. Robert C. Lee pointed out, “The sweetest sound to anyone’s ears is the sound of his own name.” (This is also one of those helpful tricks when meeting someone new. Repeat their name right away and it will help you remember it.)
Probably the easiest (and hardest) demonstration of your undivided attention is putting your cell phone away so it isn’t a distraction (And by away, I mean away, away! Not simply silencing it, but in your bag or your pocket, somewhere that you can’t see it – or feel it vibrate.). Nothing says “you’re NOT important” more than checking your phone instead being attentive to the one you’re with.
Try it. The next time you find yourself in a face-to-face conversation (even if it’s a video-chat), unearth your SuperPower and make the other person feel important by:
• Putting your cell phone away
• Making eye contact
• Listening
• Asking questions
• Using their name
Pay attention to what happens and let me know below!
Monica says
I find that I really have to clamp my mouth shut and not try to connect to the other person by sharing my similar experience. I have to consciously think ,let them talk or complain and you are not responsible for solving their problem. They just need you to listen.
Sounds nice , but truthfully I sometimes think “Man you create your own misery”. Not so nice. Ahhh a look at the dark side of a seemingly nice person. Not so nice.
I’d love to hear more on this topic Mair 🙂
Mair Hill says
Regular conversations are a perfect time to practice this – think of the flower example I used. Totaly innocuous (until the conversation gets hijacked…). Recently I had a newer friend come to me in tears. Like you, there was lots I could say. As a coach, it’s taken me a really long time to stop coaching my friends! You’re right, sometimes they just want a listener. I’ve learned to ask how I can best support them? Do they want a sympathetic ear or a problem solver? That helps me know how to help them better. Because as friends, isn’t that what we really want to do – help?
(It’s a safe bet that women just want a sympathetic ear. Men tend to show their love by problem solving because that’s what they know how to do. If you need your man to just listen, it’s ok to tell him up front that you just want him to listen. You’ll both be so much happier because you will get what you need and by telling him what you need, you’ll help him help you.)