See! I told you it would rain.
She was almost smug as we stood together looking out onto her beautiful deck – where we had planned to have dinner. Puddles were forming where the place settings were. Our meal would now be inside. Cozy, yes. Still with my friend, yes. Dry, absolutely. A little disappointed, that too.
Without suggesting you can control the weather, you can control your thoughts. You’ve heard it a million times: you get what you think about; what you think expands; if you believe it, you can achieve it. Each person has their own way of saying it. Do you have one you resonate with? Is it something you even think about?
All that chatter in your head is saying something. You might as well have it work for you by being deliberate in what’s going on in there. Check in. Listen. If you don’t like what’s being said, change the channel. Choose different words. Focus on something you want – instead of all the things you don’t have.
Practice being right about what you want to be right about.
Going back to the dinner with my friend – she had mentioned rain in every conversation we’d had all week – it’s going to rain. What if it rains? I don’t want it to rain. She was right, it rained, and we ate indoors. But is that truly what she wanted to be right about? I think not, because otherwise we would have planned dinner around her kitchen table instead of on her beautiful deck.
When you start to be aware of words – those in your head – and those others are saying, you’ll see the default is usually the negative (what you don’t want). When you say, “don’t forget to buy bananas on your way home,” it’s too easy to follow that up with “I knew you’d forget to buy the bananas.”
Whereas, if you frame it as a helpful reminder – “please remember to pick up the bananas on your way home,” the, “I knew you’d forget” doesn’t flow as easily. When you start asking for what you want (for someone to remember, instead of not forget), you’ll find most of the time you end up with what you asked for and “I knew you’d forget” will gather dust until it disappears forever.
The same works in your head. If you’re constantly saying/thinking I don’t want to be late, chances are you’re constantly apologizing for…being late. If you don’t want to be late, I’m guessing that means you want to be on time. Then just say that: I want to be on time. When you practice that – the pieces will fall into place naturally – and you’ll be right! Because you will be on time.
Think of words you routinely say, whether to yourself – or others, that state very clearly (now that you’re aware) something you don’t want. Now, take a moment to reframe it into something you DO want and say it again. Say it again until it feels natural. Until it just rolls off your tongue and will now easily replace your old expression.
Please share your reframe with us, just the new words! There’s plenty of space below. All of us will benefit.
Dianna says
Before I can state my reframe, I guess I have to take a hard look at myself to identify “what I always say.” That is no small feat, and leaves me feeling a bit uncomfortable in examining and then admitting where the problem lies.
I’ve written and erased this next line three times already as I come face to face with this….so here we go: one of my biggest go-to answers would have to be, “you shouldn’t do that” (when it’s based on MY fear of an uncertain outcome). I have been workIng on this by trying to reframe it as, “let’s give it a try and see what happens”. This approach has created space for a dialogue instead of a heated argument. . I haven’t been able to use it all the time yet, but I’m getting more comfortable with it.
Mair Hill says
I applaud you for doing the uncomfortable work – that’s where the growth is. And thank you so much for having the courage to share your reframe with us. It’s all a practice. First you need to be aware (check!) Next you need the desire to want to change it (check! check!) and now the practice with the new way of thinking. Eventually that will just be your normal response because of the positive ripple effect that happens every time you use your reframe. Yay! You!
dawn vanamberg says
Love this, it speaks volumes to how we program our thoughts, words and actions without thinking of what we are doing to ourselves.
Mair Hill says
Too often we end up on auto-pilot with our thoughts – sort of like arriving at the grocery store without really knowing how you got there. Both practices are detrimental to our health!
Tracy McKeithen says
There is so much here about living intentionally instead of just existing in the day to day.
I often say, I am overloaded and I can’t get things done. My re-frame is, I have a lot on my list, so let me get started.
I have been inconsistently trying to live with intention. I am trying to be a doer and not keep talking about what I need to do. It’s hard but necessary.
Mair Hill says
Small reminders…of what you already know. Awareness is so powerful. It’s the first step to allow you to live the life you desire. You are on that path. Even though you’re doing it inconsistently right now, congrats to you for acknowledging that you are on your desired path at least some of the time. It’s important to compliment yourself for what you ARE doing, instead of consistently beating yourself up over all the things you’re NOT. Continue being good to you!